Sexual Instinct (libido) VS The Art of Lovemaking


One of the big mistakes in understanding human sexuality is that most people, including professional institutions, do not see human sexuality as an art requiring a skill which we all need to learn. Most people think that they have to have desire for sex so call libido the same way as they have desire for food. It is true that most men and women have a simple biological sexual desire from time to time, independently from having the partner or not. Most men have this desire more often that most women. Also sexual desire diminishes when we get older.

What is this sexual desire we call libido? Think deeply! This is an instinct! Every man and every woman are given this instinct. Men and women get aroused in order to arise in them the desire to mate. And, as soon as they mate this instinct provides the male ejaculation inside vagina. Everything is for the purpose of reproduction only! Nature only cares for the reproduction of the species. Contraceptives have become widespread only in the last 100 years, and before that for millions of years men and women driven by this instinct were faced with a newborn baby after having sex. Unfortunately, even after the invention of contraceptives, the opportunity to feel free from this reproductive reflex, and to develop it into an act of beautiful physical communication, was not embraced by most people.

Instincts are given to us to survive. And yet, our other base needs, such as food and shelter, we have developed into art forms. No longer living in caves, we pay great attention to our homes through architecture and interior design. preparationThe simple instinct of eating in order to stay alive has turned into the art of cooking. We made this instinct into a whole rich set of varieties, into the taste culture. The simple desire for food only requires from us to put in our mouth anything which can be digested and which can give us energy for life. Furthermore, the instinct for food does not require from us even to chew, just to quickly swallow. Nevertheless, even when we are very hungry we still try to not just swallow anything. We wait for the food to be prepared nicely, and then we eat it slowly, gaining pleasure not only from the fact we can satisfy our hunger, but from the pleasure of tasting the food itself.

The same attitude we should develop towards our sexual instinct. Sexual drive in its pure representation is just an instinct for reproduction. It calls a man and a woman to get aroused quickly and make a man ejaculate, just like putting any food in your mouth and swallowing it.

Ejaculation by itself is not an orgasm, if we define an orgasm as a state of happiness. The Female orgasm, as a state of happiness, cannot be achieved purely through the physical stimulation of erogenous zones. As human beings we want to have sex which can satisfy our longing for love, romance, and a soulful connection. We want to experience a lot of happy emotions during and after sex. And it is via sex that we reinforce the feeling that we have a good, loving and lasting relationship.

Such feelings are not what we can call “instinct”. It is not what we are given by nature. It is not just a desire similar to the libido. Instead it is a whole process which we need to create. So, we need to know how to create this process, what tools or ingredients to use, how to combine different elements, how to improve and how make each of these elements more pleasant.

Looking more carefully at these human longings, it is clear that man needs to reign in the desire to ejaculate, similarly to how we no longer want to swallow the uncooked food. If a man learns to enjoy “preparing the food” and “eating it slowly”, his hunger, or so called sexual tension, will disappear. His body will clear from the intense sensations in genitals that demand a release. Instead, his body will become sensual everywhere – it will become joyful and loving. His body will be “fed” fully and totally with the energy of love and happiness. And, in turn, the body of his woman will not be abused, or put to “work” for his ejaculation. A woman can truly use her body for love and connection with her man if the desire to ejaculate is removed. Every man can become a cultured sexual human being if he learns how to develop his sexual instinct into the art of lovemaking. Every woman can bring a lot of creativity into her sex life and help her man to become her creative sexual partner.

A man can still ejaculate from time to time, if it is effortless and if this powerful pulsation is shared by both partners as a wonderful wave of happiness. Yet, it should not happen too often. Why? Read next week’s on ejaculation, it’s bad effect on both male health, and a man’s relationship with his female partner.  New articles every Sunday.

Read my E-Book “Unimacy. How to create lasting love and intimacy”.
My next article will be about ejaculation, its bad effect on male health and man’s relationship with his female partner.  

Real women are everywhere!

couple kissMen have a very strong desire to touch a woman. This is the man’s nature. There is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is their attitude to women. And as the result of that, the quality of the male touch is often not pleasant for women.

Men often do not see a person inside a female body. They see just the shape of the woman’s body, female forms or just sexual organs which obviously excite them, and that they immediately want to touch. I can compare this male compulsion with the desire of a baby to touch something that has caught its attention: a toy, a dog, a cat, a person. A baby touches without any attention to what his/her hand is actually doing, a baby’s hand just grabs, squeezes, scratches. Men often touch women the same way. They just want to feel a female body by their hands or other parts of their bodies. And as a result they just use a female body for their pleasure, meanwhile giving no pleasure to their women.

Often men stimulate a female body as if they are imputing in to a computer. They are looking for the right keys instead of loving a person, instead of feeling what this person inside the female body senses. Men rarely follow the sense of connection and mutual care. They stimulate their women to orgasm and feel proud of that: they have found the right key! Their women tolerate it, as they often have no choice, but eventually they start to feel more and more disconnected to their men. They feel something is missing. The job of “finding and pushing the key to bring them to orgasm” does not make them happy.

There are no definite tips or secrets on how to make a woman sexually happy, there are no tricks to give a woman pleasure. Instead, there is a process which a man has to create every time he is with his woman. He has to be like a pianist, who every time creates a process of playing music for the audience to enjoy. Men have to give up all these beliefs in tips and tricks, which are so common on the internet. They need to completely isolate themselves from negative porn images. They need to see real women, real people, living in real female bodies. They live here in this world, not on the screen. They walk streets, travel on the tube, fly in planes, shop. Real women are everywhere! Real women have heads full of ideas, hearts open for love, and bodies ready for loving, caring and sensual contact. Women are not “pussies”, “boobs” or “asses”! Women are people!

A MAN! You can only know what to do to your woman when you continuously listen to her female body and make the next caring and loving action towards it according to its reaction. Of course you need to learn, like any pianist, how to create this kind of loving and caring touch and movement. You need to learn how to deal with your biologically programmed mechanism of driving your body to unpleasant and even brutal movements, which can even hurt the female body. You have to learn many things about creating the art of physical love. Only by developing yourself in that direction will you be able to bring into your life the lasting magic of lovemaking. Yet this magic is only possible if nothing is predicted, imagined and planned in the form of a goal.

A lot of loving attention to each other during lovemaking is the first key. A lot of love and care is the second key.

Book my Coaching Programs. I am working in central London, UK.

I also want to introduce you to an amazing teacher of loving touch, Alexey Kuzmin, who is also working in central London, UK. Go to his website: Come, together with your man or your woman, to his individual couples workshop. He will teach you how to take your partner to another world!

About Grief…

sadGrief… Somebody from the close family has died. Most couples would avoid sexual contact for many days or even months after the tragedy has happened. They would let sad emotions dominate over their life and over their love. “How is it possible to have sex, when the grief is there?” – a lot of people would think, “It is not the right moment for sex!”

Sexual contact is mainly considered as an expression of happiness, energy, love in its best “sunny moments”. Sex is mostly presented as fun, excitement, play, joy. Orgasms are considered as a result of such pleasant timing, pleasant stimulations of body parts and sensors creating arousal. But, pity that people hardly ever discover during their life the healing and therapeutic power of human sexuality. At the time of grief the couple can become the best therapist for each other using sexual energy as a fire that heats the “body water” and evaporates the sadness. Sensual and sexual contact between a man and a woman when both are in emotional pain is like a counselor who speaks a different language, subconscious language, loving and comforting physical language. Reflexes of our body influence our emotions. We give cuddles to our children when they are sad or unhappy. We can give special sexual “cuddles” to each other when we are sad. When we start to change our moods on the physical level we bring changes to out psychology. If the couple know how to relax each other and then how to start having sensual and sexual contact, bringing into it a means of supporting each other, sharing grief together, empowering each other’s energy for life (life has to continue despite our grief!), the couple can open a huge source of relief at this difficult time for both of them. Their sexuality would become the healer which can be more potent then that of a psychiatrist or counselor operating on a logical level which mostly refers to the brain. Emotions are in the heart. The brain can do nothing about them. Sexual energy which rises from the body but flows through the heart (if people learn Tantric sexuality) creates a stream which can clean away “heavy” emotions and replace them with positive, optimistic ones. The event of the tragedy cannot be changer. But, the attitude to the tragedy can be changed. Healing sexuality can change the attitude to the tragedy, can bring acceptance and open the way out of sadness.

If sadness takes place over too long a time and closes the door to each other’s world of physical love it could be difficult to restore sexual connection again. It could even change the relationship of the couple forever. Do not stop touching each other in a sensual and sexual way in the time of grief, do not let your grief cause you to both grow apart, do share your love and your grief in Tantric lovemaking.


Women want ‘a ready man’ who already knows…

One of my blog readers has sent me a message: “Indeed… Women are flowers of life… Thank you for the insights. What do you think of women who say they want ‘a ready man’ who already knows how to please them?”

What do I think of women like that? I think that they will never be happy, they will never find a man who already knows how to give them pleasure because the female body, and psyche in particular, is very changeable. A woman can feel different every day. The same touch can create different reactions on different days. In fact, there cannot be such a thing as “the same touch”. We never can repeat the same touch. We can repeat the same intention and feeling towards our partner, but our touch still will be different.

A male body is easier to get to what we call ‘orgasm’, though ‘orgasm’ does not mean sexual happiness. Female sexual happiness does not depend on orgasm at all.

So, a man can be easily confused and lost in his trying to please his woman, unless she initiates the things she wants to feel. Every woman needs to be open about how she feels. She needs to learn to recognise her needs clearly and to communicate them to her man. 

Using her own body she needs to create for herself the right mood, tempo, and touch. Through creating an example with her own body, which her man can follow, she can educate him in giving her pleasure. Only by following her body language can a man understand her body, and do what she wants him to do.

This body language is not given to us, humans, by birth. This language is called the art of sensuality and love-making. Any woman is much better in speaking this language because the nature of her body is more sensual by definition. She needs to open this language in herself, master it into a great art of physical loving and lead her man into this world. A man always is physically clumsier, he is always less sensual by the fact that his skin has 60 times less nerve endings than female skin. So, only a woman can be the director of this art. It does not mean that a man cannot have initiative and be creative. He can! Very much so! But he needs to learn from his woman first. HIS PARTICULAR WOMAN! A different woman, logically, has a different sensitivity.

So there are NO ‘ready men’ for the sexual happiness of a woman. A woman always has to help her man become a good lover for herself.