ED – Erectile Dysfunction

I received an email from a man, 31 years old, looking for help with his problem with erection.

How can I go about overcoming the sexual difficulties me and my partner have been experiencing? For a long time I’ve had some form of ED. I can achieve an erection without problem during foreplay, masturbation or just waking up in the middle of the night with an erection. However, for as long as I can remember, when I start to have penetrative intercourse my erection does not last long and soon becomes soft. In theory it is possible for me to achieve another erection, but because the situation has already turned “awkward” at this point, it is often not happening and usually it results in the lovemaking session coming to an end. When I was younger ( between the ages of 18-22) I didn’t think too much about it, and it didn’t affect the casual relationships I had at the time. Then in my 20s I was with a steady partner for 6 years and we didn’t really have a great sex life. We worked around this problem without really speaking about it. We just made do with it and sex wasn’t great as a result.

My current partner is a lot more sexually active and we are struggling to cope with my problem. We talk about it, which is good, but we also talk about what a big problem it is, especially for her, that we cannot make love fully in the way that she would want. Since talking about it this openly and frankly I have found that the problem has got much worse. It’s not something that may or may not happen, but rather it happens every time and really causes a negative end to our lovemaking.

I am pretty convinced that it is “all in my head” rather than anything physiological. As I said, I can achieve an erection and a doctor has done a basic physical check and decided there was no physical problem. I know how powerful the mind is and try and stay positive but it just takes a flash of a thought in my brain and the erection is gone. I don’t want to take pills, I would prefer to find the underlying cause and see if it can be resolved. I am trying meditation as a way of stilling my mind, as at the moment during sex I am not relaxing and enjoying it. I am always thinking about either the other person or my penis. Which I know is not helpful! I have also enrolled in a Tantra course hoping that may bring me some help.”

This problem in men is very common, and in my opinion, pills, Tantra courses and meditation will help very little.

This is what I would suggest to you. You can talk to your partner about trying a few things: When you penis gets soft do not stop intercourse, continue to stay inside the vagina. Relax, give your full attention to the pleasant sensations in your penis from touching the vagina and move slowly and steadily, like sending loving waves to your partner. Focus more on a movement going deep into the vagina rather then in and out. Your woman too should concentrate on the sensations in her vagina from feeling your penis and she should move slowly towards you.

Or both of you can just relax and keep the genitals connected as much as possible, hugging, holding each other, kissing, stroking each other’s bodies. It is important for you both not to think that this is the end of your lovemaking. You know that the energy will return again soon, you simply love each other through other forms of touch for a while and wait for the energy to return to the penis. It will arrive, believe me, if you stop worrying, if you both stop demanding it and continue to do other loving things to maintain an emotional loving connection.

If the penis is completely soft and it is impossible to hold it in the vagina your woman can relax you through loving massages and slow, gentle kisses over your whole body including your penis ( Though no “blow-job”! No forceful oral stimulation! ) Important is that at this moment your woman will care for you and nurture your body with a lot of love. Then you can start having intercourse again even if your penis is not fully erect. 

The main key is relaxation, and you know that already.

I also would recommend that you stop masturbating.