A French couple came to me for a consultation. They had almost filed for divorce.
The problem was that the woman had a lover. We talked for a couple of hours and they gave me a lot of details about the relationship and their marriage. They had children and had been married for ten years. Now the woman had met a man at her workplace since a few months back. Though it didn’t last and she told her husband about the affair. She felt very guilty about the whole thing. She apologised to him and tried to create out of the situation a new sexual life with her husband, as the reason for her to have a lover was that she wasn’t sexually happy in her marriage.
She told me during the consultation that sex with her husband had always been quick and abrupt and often caused pain in her vagina. The husband didn’t spend much time with her sexually or give much attention to her body as a whole. When she was with her lover on the other hand she had experienced a completely different type of sexual interaction where she was much happier and of course all of this was very pleasant.
But now she said to her husband in my presence: ‘I love you! And I love you not just because you are my husband. I want to stay with you. I want us to learn how to love each other differently sexually. I want to learn how to make love to you’.
This woman asked her husband to come to see me because she wanted to save the marriage. She wanted it to be a happy marriage. She wanted to learn how to make love, and she wanted him to learn. Unfortunately, all the time they spent with me the man was sitting very upright with a serious, frustrated, angry and offended face. He would not react to any of the beautiful words his wife would tell him, nor to the wonderful things she would say about him. He did not react to her soft voice and the love shown in her eyes. She even tried to take his hand but he would pull the hand away from her.
At the end of the session I asked him: ‘Do you still love your wife or have you stopped loving her?’ He said: ‘No, I love her very much but I can’t forgive her. I can’t go back to having sex with her again now that she has been with someone else’.
I said: ‘Yes, she has been with someone else. But how many girlfriends and boyfriends did you both have before you met each other? Just imagine that you are beginning your relationship again! Start from zero. She has been with someone and now she has met you, you love her, she loves you. You start everything from scratch and it will be new. A new romantic sexual love. But you have to learn how to love her body. Because what she knows from the past is how you used to behave with her sexually, being fast, quickly rubbing her vagina and causing her pain. This is not love. This is not what her body wants to experience.’
But the man said: ‘All of this doesn’t matter. I was betrayed, I can’t forgive her and I don’t want to learn anything. If she loved me she would enjoy whatever I do to her’.
Unfortunately this is how our meeting ended and on the doorstep I said to him: ‘This attitude you have will not lead you anywhere. Your wife’s body does not belong to you, it is her body. And her body has the right to feel happy, to be heard. Not to be used for what you want to use it for to alleviate your sexual frustration, to express your sex drive or have the feeling that you possess her because she is your wife. You can only use your body to love her body. You can only do to her body things that are good for her body, things that make it happy. This is what she wants to give to your body’.
This French wife asked me to teach her how to love her husband properly and better because with her lover she had learnt a lot about how to touch a man and how to love him. She had always wanted to give this to her husband but he wouldn’t permit it. He just wanted to ‘get the job done’.
We live in the 21st century. We can’t treat our marriage partners as our possessions. Marriages are loving partnerships where we come together to love each other and make each other happy. Nobody belongs to us, male or female. We have to show care for the other person’s body and love them gently in a way they want and feel comfortable with. In a way that makes them feel pleasure, makes them feel happy and relaxed. Then they will not want to go somewhere else.