I have a lot of casual sex but miss commitment!

A young woman comes to me saying that she has a lot of sex, watches a lot of porn, but miss commitment.

In this case my question is – and it would apply also if the question came from a man: If you met someone who had been an alcoholic or drug addict for many years and now wanted to change and get healthier would you expect it to happen over night? No, you would most likely expect it to take some time for them to establish new patterns and habits, to get physically strong and fit. You would expect the person to need to clean their body of certain chemicals and cravings in the brain during the recovery process before they could get to a state of being balanced, alive and happy. You would understand that once the body has developed a dependency on a certain drug or chemical it would feel unhappy and depressed without it.

People don’t really know – and there is nobody to explain it to them – that if when they reach puberty and become sexually mature, they start to have a lot of intense sex and sexual arousal this will create a lot of chemicals in the brain the same way a drug does. People like this will not be able to commit to anyone. They will not be able to create a loving relationship and be happy and satisfied with one partner. Not even if that person is beautifully loving and caring. Because one partner will never be able to provide as much excitement and intense sex as they have got used to.

So, for anyone who has got dependant upon porn, upon a lot of intense sex and upon having a lot of orgasms, for anyone who is dependant upon having sex very often: this is already the life of a drug addict. And the life of a drug addict is a life of a person who doesn’t care about others. A person who will use every opportunity to get his drug as this is the only way he knows of to feel good in body and mind.

This is the state this young woman has brought herself to. She needs to walk the long way to recovery and healing before she can feel different sensations in her body, before she will be able to commit to one partner and be happy with that one partner without all the intense sexual experiences she is now used to. To get back to being ‘healthy and fit’ in this respect can be tough after what she has done to herself, the same way it is tough for any drug addict or alcoholic. It takes a lot of strength and determination, as well as a lot of understanding of what you have been doing to yourself. It takes a lot of willpower to stop watching porn, to stop masturbating and taking control in sex and instead start thinking about love, care, gentleness and tender touches. You need to take your mind away from the genitals in the way you usually relate to them. Forget about the heat in the genitals and instead meditate on them, try to cool them down, bring them  peace and comfort. Make them a loving, holding, embracing part of the body instead of a hungry, demanding part.

There are a lot of techniques to offer in this type of situation and they have to be personalised to the individual. With guidance and practise over time it is all possible to change.