My man is too passive!

A woman tells me she finds her man too passive, not taking enough initiative to have sex.

Here I first want to make you aware of that we all have a different amount of physical, sexual energy in our bodies that makes us want to have sex. The initiative towards having sex, whether it comes from the man or the women, depends on two things: a feeling of love and a physical, hormonal desire in the body.

The first reason to initiate sex, a feeling of love, happens when people fall in love and it only last for a short period of time. When people meet and fall in love, everything is new and exciting. They naturally have a desire to have sex because of the newness and excitement of it all. The second reason for wanting sex is because of the physiological craving of the body. The body chemistry, the hormones, create a desire localised only to the genitals. This creates tension in the genitals and a desire to release this tension. There is an energy, a ‘fullness’ in the genitals that wants to be released and when you meet with your partner this drives you towards wanting sex.

But there is also a third reason to why people would want to have sex. It is having a conscious attitude towards sex, seeing it as a special gift you can give to your partner, to make your partner feel loved and comfortable, to feed your partner with touch, with energy, with something beautiful. This is a conscious desire you create within yourself through understanding sex on a different level. Not many people have developed this level and rely only on the two fist reasons. This is why you can end up with one partner taking less initiative.

We know that women might take less physical initiative as they are more emotional and want more emotional contact. Though this is not always true nowadays when women too can develop a lot of physical desire. They too can have a desire for sex and physical pleasure in the genitals and want this boost of energy that is almost like a drug. This drives them towards taking sexual initiative as they want to get this ‘drug’ from men. Men have also changed and have become more frightened of female initiative than before. They feel a sense of duty to bring women to orgasm and satisfy them in sex and the feeling of responsibility and pressure makes them reluctant to initiate sex. In today’s society we are surrounded by propaganda telling us that men should make women sexually happy and deliver them pleasure. So there are many thing men can feel confused about and experience as ‘hard work’ when it comes to being sexual with a woman.

Today’s men also have a lot of stress at work and other responsibilities that put demands on their energy. They might simply not have enough energy in the body to initiate sex and the lack of energy can stay with them for quite a long time. Being stressed and tired they look for a boost, a new ‘drug’, and they find it in masturbation and watching porn. Women can be completely unaware of this, not knowing that because the man has spent his energy on watching porn and masturbating he is now empty with no energy left to want to have sex. The easy access to masturbation and porn makes the man choose this instead of putting his sexual energy into the relationship with the woman, which seems more difficult to him. The relationship might seem like hard work taking a lot of effort so he tries to escape. This can happen also when the man truly loves the woman and wants to live with her. Still sex has become a burden to him, something he feels he has to ‘do for her’.

So, what then can a woman do when she feels her man is not initiating sex?

  • Communicate, talk to him! Ask him: Does he watch porn often? Does he masturbate a lot? Does he feel tired and experience a lot of stress at work? How does he feel when she takes initiative to sex? Does he feel responsible for her sexual pleasure?
  • Make it clear to him that there is no pressure and nothing he needs to do for her or achieve during sex. Help him relax, learn to give him relaxing massages, give him love without demands, kiss him, hold him. Then you can very gently move towards something that demands a bit more of his energy. Though leave this for days when he is more rested and relaxed, when he has more energy and time.
  • And of course, ideally if the man can stop watching porn and masturbating and focus all of his sexual energy on his relationship to the woman this will make a big difference.