My view on intimacy has always been very different from the mainstream. I always wondered why the subject of intimacy and physical love is still such a huge taboo in most cultures. Sadly in 21st century this topic is still surrounded by shame, confusion, pain and sexual reality brings men and women a lot of suffering. Why men and women cannot be honest and direct with each other when it comes to body-to-body relationships? Why they cannot say openly how they feel and what they would like to experience? Why everything about sex presents only desire to have an orgasm? Why, why, why… I have my own answers on all questions and you can find them in my book: “Unimacy. Love And Intimacy That Lasts”.
The part of the chapter of my book “Unimacy. Love And Intimacy That Lasts”.
“I was seventeen years old when I had my first sexual intercourse. It happened with a man I was in love with. We had known each other for more than two years. It seemed as if we were already great lovers. We could spend hours stroking, kissing and hugging each other. We experienced warm pleasant waves of arousal in our genitals and told each other about it, yet we held back the desire for intercourse.
We were extremely happy without intercourse. Incredible admiration of each other’s bodies was expressed by constant compliments, observation and touch. We did it everywhere: in the street, on buses, at the movies… When we were alone in the room we could slowly and gently stroke each other for hours, rediscovering again and again every curve and every hill of our bodies. We kissed each other’s bellies, necks, legs, arms, faces… In the shower our hands slipped over each other’s soapy skin like water… We touched each other so wonderfully and derived so much pleasure from each other!
Our rich world of physical love gradually became narrow and dull after intercourse started to become a part of our relationship. Very soon I started to dislike more and more our quick strip and brief activity under the blankets. Often I suffered pain caused by the rigid movements of my boyfriend’s penis in my vagina. I tried to change his behaviour and to introduce him to my understanding of sex, which was slower and gentler, but he would not let me. We did not succeed in reviving the previous poetic touches. A year later we broke up.
As a young woman I started to explore my sexual feelings. I wanted to feel loved. I tried to understand my body more. I wanted always to enjoy sexual encounters with a man.
So in my youth I decided that I would make love like slow dancing. I believed that lovemaking should not consist of any pressure or excessive excitation. I decided always to initiate this dance myself. By doing this, I hoped to prevent my man from rushing. I did not want him to concentrate only on his own sensations and on bringing himself faster to ejaculation. I decided to teach my man how to touch me and help him to relax.
I got married when I was 21. The 10 years of marriage to my first husband was sexually a very happy time. He tragically died at 35. At his death I was left with two small children and have not had an easy life. Though having lovers has helped me a lot and I have shared a lot of pleasure with my partners.
So what was my unique skill as a lover that always made me happy as a woman and sexually attractive to the man I made love with? From an early age I had learnt these things:
- A motherly attitude to my own body and to the body of my partner.
- Everything was initiated by me.
- I never used any seductive elements.
- I learned to control the intensity of sexual arousal through the movements of my body and invited the man to follow my body.
- I always kept the attention on my partner not on myself.
- I was not focused on achieving an orgasm but on having a lot of sweet waves passing through my whole body.
- I always tried to help my partner to experience the same waves, thereby balancing his body sexually and avoiding ejaculation.
- I always nurtured my partner’s body.
- I always refused to have sexual encounters with anyone trying to seduce me or wanting me to behave seductively.
I really initiated everything I wanted to do during sex. I did not wait for my lover to act upon my body. I have never used any seductive elements during lovemaking: my face always looked angelic with a warm soft smile, my body moved with beautiful innocent playfulness, I never moaned loudly or shouted. If I wanted to be “wild” and drive myself and my partner to a higher state of arousal I still moved as if I was dancing. I maintained strong connection with my partner rather than focusing on rubbing my genitals against his body. Nurturing my partner in a motherly manner became more and more rewarding for me. Stroking, massaging and kissing him was for me expressing my sexuality in this caring, innocent and creative way. It tremendously enriched my own physical and emotional experience. I was happier when I saw my partner relaxed and smiling at me, following my movements. I did not like it at all when my lover got tense and wanted to bring himself or me to orgasm.
Though I have to admit that in the beginning with every man I felt that he wanted to dominate my body, more or less. I did understand that this male behaviour was based on his purely instinctive sexual desire for me. So I patiently brought the man into my world of romantic love and he gradually relaxed and gave up trying to force me into anything. Soon the man I made love with more and more enjoyed our soft and gentle lovemaking. I had total control over our lovemaking. I could make whatever movements I needed to bring my sexual energy to a comfortable level of intensity. It helped my man to keep his sexual energy at the same level as mine. Often my lover and I could make love for an hour or more and neither of us needed to finish with orgasm.
During my first sexual relationship I had already noticed that after having an orgasm, for a few days I had a very low energy. Sometimes the morning after lovemaking I could not go to the university. I never drank alcohol, I did not smoke, I did not go to bed late and my boyfriend and I mostly made love in the daytime. Still, the day after lovemaking I was absolutely exhausted. My head was heavy, often I felt nauseous and I started to avoid having an orgasm.
My life took me to different parts of Russia and then to England. I made a lot of friends. All of them would talk openly about their sexual experiences. My ideas of making love slowly and gently as well as the idea of avoiding orgasm were appreciated and absorbed into the lives of many of my friends.
So, many years ago in my youth I found the unexpected keys to harmony in intimate relationships – the ultimate leverage point for creating more loving relationships, better health and meaningful intimate expression and connection. These keys are not “hot techniques” or “enlightenment”. They are loving and caring physical touch. I was always striving towards love and happiness in my personal life. The search for that happiness became an original and creative laboratory for joy and the expression of love through the physical body. I have always practised what I preach throughout my whole life even before I became an intimacy teacher.
I was in my late thirties when I started my professional sexual therapy practice. Ideas from Taoism, Tantra, medicine, psychology and even quantum mechanics have shaped my way of working. Also, my professional and personal experiences have provided me with a deep insight into the dynamics of sexual relationships and helped me to understand the changes in sexual behaviour that come with age”.
My knowledge arose in essence from my own body and from the bodies of my lovers though I have also studied a significant number of published sources on this subject. Nevertheless, only by looking for truth for myself as a human being and as a woman have I been able to help thousands of men and women create strong loving intimate relationships in their lives.
Find out more by reading my book “Unimacy. Love And Intimacy That Lasts”.