Touch can be a way to express love. When it is, we are less focused on what it will give us, instead we want to communicate our love for our partner. We are focused on giving, not on getting, and so are less likely to get upset if the other doesn’t respond in a way we would prefer.

On the other hand touch can sometimes be a cry for approval and reassurance. We feel insecure, doubt our partner’s love – or that anyone could truly love us. From this need we reach out. This touch conveys a different message. We are out to get something and our partner will sense our state of lack and craving. Feeling uncomfortable and pressured they might reject us, even though they love us.

This can become a vicious circle: our touch pushing our partner away, us feeling even more unwanted and desperate which leads us to keep touching them trying to find relief…

The solution is to stop. Go back to yourself. Ask: What am I communicating. Is the touch craving and greedy? What do you want it to say? I need you? I need you to make me happy? Or: I love you. I want you to be truly happy. I want to share your happiness if you want me to.